By Henry Ominde.
I seek answers for so many questions. Why me? What now? Do i really have to?What did i ever do to deserve this? Will this ever end? Am i good enough? Will i ever achieve my purpose? What is my purpose? Do they really care? Does God exist? Why would God let me experience this? Am i wierd? Am i creepy for being this way?……………. trust me there’s so many more.
I seek answers because i feel that all i have done is jumped into conclusions which only serve me temporarily ultimately leading me to more questions. I was told that religion would bear the answers to all my questions. That Jesus is the answer. So i conformed to one expecting to find answers but instead i have more questions.
Alcohol and drugs then came into play. No it didn’t give me answers but instead it made me forget my questions and that felt really good actually, better than answers, atleast up until i woke up with the hangovers, realised i had overspent money and taken up loans to satisfy my cravings, got into trouble with the feds, lost my friends and family leading to me becoming an addict cause i would rather forget.
Locking myself up and being alone seemed to help me deal with the guilt of what i had become. I prefered being alone. I prefered hiding in a space that kept me from my reality. A space that almost made me feel like i had a kingdom, a kingdom of walls which i had built.No one was welcome and no one was invited either. But questions kept invading this space and i considered offfering my life as a sacrifice to the questions. I felt that maybe the afterlife is where my answers where.
So i took a pen and paper and wrote my last words. I apologised to everyone that i had failed and disappointed. I mocked everyone that ever made me feel miserable, which i was. I thanked them for helping me come to this conclusion and leading me to this thought.
Pain had become a part of me and i loved it. I loved what i was about to do. I loved the thought that i would finally recieve my answers. Anything would be better than the repeating cycles. So there i was, about to do the first right thing that made sense to me. But as i took the poison i realised that i was wrong. That i didn’t need answers. I realised that kindness and love was all i really needed. I realised that i had a responsibility to give myself those two things. I realised that happiness was attainable an definately worth fighting for. I realised that all i needed was myself.
Dear friends, Life isn’t always a prairie but life is beautiful. Be kind to yourself when no one else will. Love yourself when stigma and disctimination is thrown your way. Happiness is more important than any question that tries to weigh you down. When no one seems to care or be their for you be brave enough to be their for you. Love yourself for who you are and you will eventually break the cycle of never-ending questions and obtain happiness.
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