By Henry Ominde.
‘Unemployed, uneducated, unappreciated, unwelcomed, undermined, unfit, unhealthy, unloved and unnerved’ – all because I am unique. Often if not always I am told that I deserve it, that I brought this upon myself , that I chose that road so now I’ve got to bear the consequences.
Do you think anyone would consciously choose to be a dependent? Do you think anyone would intentionally welcome depression, addiction and all those suicidal thoughts? Do you think it is anyone’s pleasure that their rights will be denied and that for them to even walk out the door they need to be someone else? Do you think any of us likes being looked at as a mentally challenged individual? Or maybe I should ask if you would enjoy being the misfit? What are we supposed to fit into anyway?
Day in, day out – there’s always an unending battle. This Armour and shield gets heavier and heavier but I have to get used to the weight because I am hopeful and passionate that I will achieve my dreams and live the life that I have always wanted. And YES, I too have dreams.
Living under their mercies each and every day, listening and watching them ridicule me as I ask myself what I ever did to them. We speak of freedom but truthfully speaking we still remain slaves, to each other’s words, to each other’s actions, to each other’s cruelty. No one deserves to be tortured or made to feel less human because of who they are.
Why hold on to cruelty when you could invest in love and kindness? Cruelty is a palindrome. It doesn’t matter where it comes from or to whom it is directed to. It forever remains a vice and will never be justified. Consider it a deadly sin.
But too sad that cruelty has become a normal thing. Not to mention a trend that persons easily get away with. While my depression and suicidal thoughts are amplified as sins. And supposedly I’m supposed to bear my own cross so however I deal with it is my problem. The world has become so cruel that all I think of is hurting myself so that I can get closure because communication doesn’t work, or does it? I never seem to express myself in the right way. I am nothing more than what I get validated to be. Dispute breeds within my conscience and everyday as I begin to feel like I am winning, I am also reminded that I am a-nobody and this world is not mine to begin with.
So what can I do rather than pray? Pray that it only gets better. Not just for me but for everyone else – believing that change will soon come and my world will be a better place. But does the universe listen to broken old me? Do my tears and year’s of struggle reach Him/Her? All this voices, all this questions will they ever find answers? Will the voices and questioning ever stop?
Am I light or darkness? They say I can’t be both and I pretend not to need their validation but truth is that is all I have ever lived and longed for. That is my greatest struggle and might probably be my greatest success.
All this in the midst of cruelty. I become cruel to others because I am cruel to myself. If this is all I know then what else can I be? What else should I be?
But hold up, I do not have to be anything other than my own masterpiece. As I pray for change, I can be the change. You can’t really change others but I can change my attitude and approach towards life attracting that world I long for so much.
Maybe not today, tomorrow or next year but this change is bound to come if I rid myself of the deadly sin known as cruelty and invest in loving and caring for the one person that should mean everything to me, fine me.
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