By Henry Ominde.
Sometimes I get really tired, super tired. Tired of everything and everyone around me. Tired of constantly trying to do the right thing and being a better person when resentment keeps following me. Tired of dreaming big and setting high standards when reality keeps telling me to come back from the clouds and be more realistic.
I don’t seem to fit in anywhere and that seems to be a real struggle for me. Sometimes I feel misunderstood, unappreciated and that maybe I am asking for too much. I prioritize my mental health but still I feel like I am not doing enough. I am always in pursuit to find the right crowd, somewhere that I belong but just when I start getting comfortable i am given a reason to pack my bags and get back on the road.
I feel pressured to always say the right thing, dress appropriately, be that model person that I think others will like, tone myself down abit and limit myself with boundaries that I set for myself.
This makes me angry, sad and miserable but what can I do? I am indeed a freak, a weirdo, a misfit. Sigh i am miserable.
As miserable as these times, as miserable as the things the person I don’t want to become. Could it be that I am already that person? Could it be too late for me?
Sometimes I wish I could undo all the harm I cause people. I wish I could change the world atleast my world. But the truth is, the world isnt just mine, its ours. Maybe the world needs to create room for me and maybe then I wont have to work extra hard as I drain myself of me.
Don’t get me wrong, I do know who I am. I am a strong talented proud African queer man. The grandchild of a successful banker and business woman whom at the age of 26 is still struggling with their identity. Who is still angry and wishes that things were better. Who is still in denial of everything that he has lost but is trying super hard to make something out of himself.
I really don’t understand life. Honestly I dont. What was the vision behind it? Why is negative energy always out to destroy humanity? Why sickness and disease? Why selfish ambition, greed and corruption? I mean these shouldn’t be new to you if you are living on planet earth in 2020.
As I go through my Facebook and see images and clips of what is happening globally, what is happening in my homeland; I can’t help but feel selfish for wanting more. Innocent people are dying, greedy people striving to quench their unsatisfyable desires.
There’s the thems, us’s and then there’s you but the me is nowhere in the equation. Why? Because how often do I get to genuinely be happy? For how long do I have to fight? How many NOs do I need for just one yes. How many people will I have to please to get what I want in this life? Am i ever going to get their or am i wasting my time?
I dont know. I may not have the answer to all of my own questions. I may not understand my very own self. But one thing I know is that I was not built to break. That I may not change the world or even fully understand how it functions but I’m here either way. I part of the beauty and the mess, the highs and the lows.
My ways might be different. My struggles definitely not yours. My tears may easily flow compared to yours. My weight, hair texture & colour, skin tone and preferences may vary but the very things that separate us bind us together.
After all, we all struggle, we all have different ways of approaching things and seeing things. But despite all that am still here and I’m not about to give up on myself for anything/anyone’s pleasure.
So as I struggle not fitting in, as my demons keep showing up, as my doubts and fears try getting the best of me. I gracefully walk towards my unknown future with hope of experiencing the WholenessEffect.
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